US Vice President Promises to Forgive Venezuela if It Goes Away

BACKYARD (Rooters agency) – In a move widely applauded by those who know which side their bread is buttered on, the US vice president today attacked the Venezuelan government over its stubborn refusal to get out of the way for the good of the hemisphere.

The vice president, who is visiting Backyard for some reason, in an interview with one of its newspapers, dismissed as the invention of “totally false and outlandish conspiracies” the idea that the various political organizations given millions of dollars by the US over the last decade might have some connection with the recent demonstrations in Venezuela.

“That is nonsense”, the VP declared. “We always told them not to demonstrate. But those people love us and would demonstrate even if we didn’t pay their leaders.

“Instead of making such charges, that pretend president of theirs should listen to the Venezuelan people – those we have appointed to speak for them”, he said. “He should resign, and take Venezuela with him to wherever he goes. We don’t care, as long as he leaves the oil.”

In what was described as a “frank admission” by his press office, the VP acknowledged that in the past the US government had – every now and then, and mostly by accident or the fault of a different party – supported military dictatorships in various parts of Backyard.

These minor slip-ups, he pointed out, were entirely the fault of the Soviet Union, which, “if it hadn’t existed, would have forced us to find a different pretext for keeping our servants in line.

“Now that the Soviet Union is no more, the whole world can unite in opposing the menace of Islamic fundamentalism or … somebody shine a light, I can’t see the rest of the list.

“Most people in the Americas are tired of fighting old ideological battles that don’t help their daily lives at all”, he continued. “We can offer them new ideological battles that do the same thing.”

Countering Islamic Communist propaganda that the US does not really support human rights, the vice president stressed that, during the Pinochet dictatorship in Chile, “US ambassador Harry Barnes and others publicly defended the victims of repression.” He added, “If we hadn’t put Pinochet and his torturers in power in the first place, do you seriously think he would have listened nearly as much to our complaints?”